Celebrating Differences in Marriage

When we marry, we choose someone who has something we don’t have - the differences between us accents us and supplement us in divergent and thrilling ways.

All of the sudden, we’re taking healthy risks and being encouraged to experience another side of life.

As you well know, over time, those differences can seem less than thrilling, and especially when you pile on years and years of experience with those differences, which are not always positive.

For instance, your spouse’s love of skydiving may not seem quite so endearing as life insurance premiums are higher.

I use an extreme example because most of the time, after a time, many of the differences that once seemed small or endearing now do indeed seem extreme. 

Your spouse’s opinions and yours also may start to favor your own family of origin also more pointedly. For instance they may sharpen their insistence toward the normalcy of family history of drinking during all of the holidays -

- or completely the opposite -

Their steadfast tradition of teetotaling and abstaining from such imbibing entirely may be experienced as annoying by you. 

What can we then do with SUCH divergent family cultures and traditions? The parts that are easy are one thing, but what about these truly hard and oppositional traits as time goes on?

Here are a few tips:


1. Stop judging from only your own worldview. Not everyone shares your ideals and people are fighting battles you don’t fully get and with their own neuro-palate if you will. If it’s a spouse you differ with, you have every right to encourage and discuss ways to get healthy but in the extended family (on either side), set your personal boundaries, whatever they need to be, and choose love over judgement.


2. Talk with your spouse from this framework of love before you arrive at family events. Be warm, kind, and don't let your differences stop you from engaging at least a little. 


3. Whether it’s your spouse or extended family with whom you differ, make sure you let them know you’re rooting for them and care about them in other ways. Write down their redeeming qualities if you need to see a tangible reminder for yourself on the way there while your spouse drives and try not to gossip as it truly steals your joy and extends the misery. Instead, find ways to connect.  


4. You can also try to think outside of the box as a healthy brain exercise. Are they an addict but helpful with acts of service? Perhaps they had a very difficult trauma situation as a child and you both set boundaries and show love. Remember these differences help you to extend them the grace you naturally offer to yourself for your less endearing traits.

Furthermore, don't be an extremist but do enjoy the lessons your spouse and their extended family bring to you.

 When we enjoy the differences we each bring, we can celebrate everything a little more by being confident of our own gifting more than ever too!

Find more ways to connect with your spouse in our 5 week relationship course or in our book, “Enneagram in Marriage.”