It’s Time to Heal those Conflicts

Yesterday on the podcast, we heard from Dr. Wyatt Fisher, PsyD, who reminded us that digging in to find out what we could do better in our marriages has to be vulnerable but doesn’t have to be overly vulnerable in an unwise way.

He shared a very safe but effective method for us to both be open and willing to learn and yet also much more likely to get through to our spouses by asking each day what is one thing we did well and what is one thing we each could have done better, followed by a brief thank you from either spouse. Let’s light that fire by adding just a couple more suggestions for healthy amount of vulnerability together as you process conflict.

First, when you want to work on just being open and honest and healthily vulnerable with one another about what’s really bothering you, it’s important that you fight the urge to forget to compliment at the same time (people don’t learn if you just drag them down),

And…

That you make sure it’s the right time for you two for having a marriage discussion of any kind.

This is where the Enneagram is helpful since it gives you clues about what may uniquely work for your spouse and you.

Find Your Timing: For instance, if you try to do marriage work too quickly or on the fly for a spouse who likes order, it can feel overwhelming.

And yet for another spouse, taking it too slow and orderly can bring up anxiety.

They may otherwise need to begin with smaller doses or your attempts may cause them to shut down even further.

For example, start with the Bullseye technique one time a week versus more often than not. Create a fun ritual around it or find a time when your spouse is generally pleasant and awake, and when the two of you can find some privacy.

Find Your Positioning: Remind one another of self-soothing options if it’s still too hard to walk through conflict. Sometimes a simple stress ball in hand, sharing the talk over the comfort of a meal or going for a walk is the best timing for each of you when you’re going to lean in to tone up the relationship.

Don’t Let One Bad Attempt Ruin Your Day: Be a scientist and learn from the fails (season, time, hormones, other people, etc).

And remember, you can still have a good marriage conversation that is more neutral or positive in nature instead of going in for a conflict resolution if the timing is off.

Bad timing or failures to do conflict well don’t mean you just retreat to your corner for too long. And don’t be ashamed to reach out for help from a coach or find a resource that will give you more guidance on this!

Just take a breath, turn the light on by allowing in some gratitude time, and make plans to try something else.

Never give up on shining light into your future legacy. If you need the reminder today, let me be the one to give it.

You ARE worth it!