Bring in Vulnerability

As we wrap up romance and prepare to head into talking about conflict, there’s something I can’t emphasize enough as a bridge that will make both romance and conflict a lot healthier.

Communication. Direct and in-person communication whenever possible. Want to improve your communication with your partner? Consider getting a coach to help give you tools and accountability to grow together!

Yes text and phone are fine when we are shy or having a block but nothing can take the place of the microexpressions of love, fun, vulnerability, and of course safety in our face-to-face dialogue.

I want to welcome you to talk about the these intimate questions:

1. Ask those sexual intimacy questions about what your partner prefers in the bedroom, and share yours as well!

2. Sharing five things you love about your spouse or partner.

Enneagram aside, don't forget to build them up with these compliments! Do you know that finding and sharing and scanning for what you love (versus critiquing) about your partner is what the research-tested “marriage masters” were found to be doing so well, in Gottman’s famous love lab experiments?

So as you’re asking yourself and your spouse the questions about what they love intimately (even if over text), and when you’re sharing what you love about them, remember this...

Let them see that your heart is trying to stay open.

Let them see that you’re trying to increasingly be vulnerable.

Let them see that you truly do admire them, not just that you find flaws. Everyone has flaws. Pointing them out will not, researcher Gottman says, bring a blessing but just defense.

Instead, criticism is one of the key factors of divorce prediction. People don’t appreciate our well intentioned ways of changing them. Life is hard enough.

When we do have a requested change we MUST approach it with safety. So let’s work on building our spouses up and bringing in suggestions for growth with good timing and love!

Find more ways to connect with your spouse in our 5 week relationship course or in our book, “Enneagram in Marriage.”