Conflict Styles

I figure you’ve chosen your conflict style unintentionally by and large as a young child. I’m quite sure you didn’t, as a small child say to yourself, “One day when I get married, I’ll be emotional (or logical, or positive) in conflict.”

Or perhaps you were a major thinker and you actually did. Either way, now as you are indeed an adult with many thoughts to consider, I want you to make sure you remember for a moment (and with your spouse or partner if they’re willing), what really did influence your style of conflict.

Then we can talk about you putting on a new style as the goal is balancing all three of the styles of argumentation as mentioned above. But let’s not do this haphazardly. Let’s be intentional about why we got stuck in one or two patterns, perhaps to the exclusion of the third?

Or, if you’re mostly balanced but occasionally you see yourself out of balance, what started this chosen route?

I’ve always been a passionate person. It was hard not to be with 3 older siblings who all carried the SX style of relating as there was a lot of competition for love from the busy parents who doted on each other and all four children in various but often tired ways.

I learned to press in with something besides passion that my siblings did not always espouse also - positivity. It made a difference to be charming. 

However, this left me (even as a thinking type) without as much logic. Emotion and positivity must have their balance in what is reasonable and balanced in logic also, or you can wind up with positively selfish results as you can imagine.

Now it’s your turn to remember. Take a few minutes to think or journal out the reason you started out on your conflict path. Perhaps you, like Wes, are logical first, and need one or two of the other styles added in.

Consider this as you head into your week. Set a reminder to yourself to focus on one or two of the other styles when you engage conflict also. No, not to the exclusion of your chosen style, but just back off from this style a bit as you lean into the others as well. 

Although Wes leaned in for this week also and is working on emotional and positive ways to engage, I’m working on mine either way, and that’s how I want you to move also as you and your people will all benefit from even these tiny shifts you make. I believe in you! 

Find more ways to connect with your spouse in our 5 week relationship course or in our book, “Enneagram in Marriage.”