Finding Ways to Get Regulated Well

Sometimes in our work with our issues together, we are able to do high-level care for ourselves and our spouses. We see the big picture and we can more easily forgive and lean into our spouses or others with health.

However, sometimes we fall back upon our more basic defenses - such as when a hurt is fresh and we are still processing at a very basic level. In moments like these, we may resort to unhealthy use of our Enneagram arrows by default. We may use coping mechanisms we know aren’t going to work long-term. And — all of this makes us human.

Aundi says it like this and I love it. “Even after we’ve experienced some integrated strength, the reality is that we may need to rely on our situational strength again at times—this doesn’t mean we are bad or failing. Like water, we flow. We adapt, we flex, we use what we need in that moment.”

I want you to make sure you don’t stay locked in shame when you fail to use highest level change in your life after you’ve been touched by something that feels like a trauma to you - even a little “t” trauma that simply dysregulates you but isn’t as bad as a deeper trauma.

However (you knew that was coming!) I also want you to remember to move through the situation after the actual trauma has stopped so you can now find spaces of healthy transition and eventually even integrate to better practices.

I’ll give you a just-for-fun example of a way to process a situational trauma first that Wes and I love from the movie Stuart Saves His Family.

We see elements of every family in it. In fact, I had to watch it in grad school for family therapy training! In it, as you may remember, Stuart’s sister Jody is panicking about major family discord and even though Stuart knows this isn’t the best advice long-term, he encourages her to find the closest pound cake for the time being to regulate.

Wes and I now say this to one another as a code for “I see you. I know you’ve been dysregulated and I get it if you’re not at your best today.” It brings lightness and fun to our situational trauma, but we’re also speaking to grace here letting one another know we may not be at our best today.

Now poundcake aside of course, the trick is finding simple short-term coping mechanisms that won’t actually take you down.

A real-world example I can give you for allowing in some situational coping tools is this: You wanted to go to your favorite workout class but then you got an unexpected heavy call. It triggers you and you decide not to attend the class today but instead just give yourself the grace to binge watch a favorite show for a good hour or two. Now fill in the blanks on what you can do as we think together.

As Aundi reminded us on the pod, trauma processing is exactly that - a true process - and we need to give it time and honor the regulating work in each stage.

Let’s think together. What are some ways you may comfort yourself in short-term moments of pain before you hit that deeper work of journaling, seeking therapeutic help, prayer, and such?

If it’s heading into an addiction, I warn you to remember this will only bring you into a shame cycle and make things worse.

What are some light, fun ways you can recenter yourself next time it’s needed so you can invite a graceful flow back in and begin the gentle work of refreshing well after trauma?

Have your ideas ready on hand, write them down, and make sure you don’t self-sabotage all the work you’re doing in this beautiful stage of regulation! Be sure to alert your spouse to them as well and find out theirs!

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