Fostering Sexual Intimacy

Asking for sexual intimacy, even between spouses, may produce insecurity or fear...

The unknown of whether your partner will want sexual intimacy when you ask them for it is commonly cited as an issue amongst my clientele. From what I notice in studies, it’s quite common in the world at large as well. 

In particular (in general, not always), husbands seem to struggle with this the most.

Because of this unspoken insecurity, often spouses continually underestimate their spouse's desire for sex. 

Make sure you ask yourself whether or not your fear in the sexual arena is rooted in practicality or if it's just your mind or body trying to protect you from something unlikely likely to happen.

An example of a practical fear would be "My spouse said no to sex every time for the last 5 times I asked!" and an impractical fear would be "My spouse rejected me once in the last six months."

Either way, here are a few tips to try to reduce those insecurities and foster intimacy:
 

1. Make sure you refresh your partner so they have energy - be a team and notice their energy peaks and valleys.

2. Be clear and direct about your desires early in the day so you set the plans in possible motion versus just literally jumping on them later in the day if they're a planning type. 


3. Engage in nonverbal foreplay such as touching, petting, or doing acts of service (aka explore what your spouse considers foreplay, you may be surprised!) As I said, don’t come at them by complete surprise and explicit them to be ready. Relationships are, by definition, interactive. Men and women often mirror each other, even if only in terms of perception, so make sure your non-verbals are open.
 

4. Avoid becoming defensive if they say not now. Just find out why and when. AKA learn.

5. Remember what attracted them to you and lean into this.

6. Get back into the habit of dating. Don't just ask for sex but not allow intimacy to lead to it.

7. Start listening to them versus being on your phone. It's extremely attractive!

8. Take care of yourself with self-respect and self-care. Hint: Work on the 5 senses.

9. Serve one another - spouses want love, not just sex!

10. Consider reaching out to a coach or counselor for more support!

As you try these tips, your fears may be assuaged as your spouse softens and invites you back into the connection as a result of your extra love! 💕

Find more ways to connect with your spouse in our 5 week relationship course or in our book, “Enneagram in Marriage.”