Having Respect in Conflict
“Resentment is like drinking a poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” - Nelson Mandela
Considering the above quote, I KNOW that you don’t want to carry on resentment for anything!
I also know that it’s quite easy to harbor it and to avoid forgiveness in marriage. Because marriage lasts a long time, it feels like it won’t matter if you just let your anger run bright red!
As you reflect on what you’re learning about conflict, I want to remind you that stonewalling (the silent treatment) is the absolutely deadliest of the #1 marriage researcher John Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in terms of ending an argument.
Instead of stonewalling creating an efficient and convenient ending to a conflict, it will actually cause it to fester internally!
So how does one discuss things and forgive? It’s an experience that transcends words in some ways, since each marriage has it's own nuances, but it all boils down to one word.
Respect.
If your spouse feels respected by you, they probably won't mind sitting down with you every week to carve out new ways to dialogue and to discuss what really matters. They will know that if they share the deepest desires of their heart or their opinions with you (even if they differ from yours) that you will be kind and patient and you got it, respectful.
Respect was added to the 7 Love Styles Test recently (under the domain of Intellectual Love Style) as one of the top two ways people like to receive love.
I want you to make sure you don't leave important resentments and issues on the table. Painful or heavy as they may feel to bring them up and into the conversations with your spouse or partner, they are a weight you carry around unintentionally otherwise. (Discussing it weekly is kind of like you're picking up a weight to move it off of you guys versus wearing ankle weights!)
When you do pick it up, make sure you're remembering some basic ways to chat:
1. Ask your partner the best time of the week to chat and stick to a mutually agreed upon time. Don't push past it. Pause and finish the dialogue if you see that you've maxed them out or flooded them (or you). The “Enneagram Glow Relationship Planner” is a great resource for healthy planning!
2. Make sure you're keeping your tones gentle and kind, logical, but caring (balancing logic, emotion, and especially positivity, complimenting them in what they're doing well).
3. Sharing a term of endearment about how you love them.
4. Let them know the issue you want to resolve. And here's the key. There's a reason you are doing this dance together. Ask them what you think you can do to contribute less to it also. Try to offer some ideas also and understand that they may more likely change their actions or behaviors than full out admit wrong. That's very hard to do. Try to let them have some space to make the desired change. Remember, if you're respectful, you'll be able to revisit it the next week if needed. Sometimes issues feel less important and sometimes they continue to need a voice. It's OK to give it time to meld as long as you're coming back if you find it's still an ankle weight!
5. Invite a spiritual component in. As John Gottman's team knows, many of our issues as a couple are perpetual so we don't easily resolve them. We can compromise and dialogue but we won't always share opinions after the honeymoon stage of a relationship. Lifting up issues to God can also take the weight off ansd forgiving your spouse for their humanness allows you to move more freely.
6. Keep glowing! No, that's not a typo! Keep giving out of your shared gift and teamship as you struggle. There's nothing like a victory together to remind you that, despite areas of diagreement that you get to air out as needed, you are still an awesome team together! However, do leave time for your relationships (remember, 6-10 hours a week to chill is ideal!)
And most of all, give yourself a pat on the back for being willing to do such important and caring work for yourself, your partner, and our world. Our communities too bear witness to healthy families and benefit so much from them.
Find more support in our 5 week relationship course or in our book, “Enneagram in Marriage.”
