Healing Your Trauma in Life & Marriage

It feels like there isn't time for trauma processing...


Not enough money...


Faith may be low...


And yet you remain stuck in dysregulated patterns with very little idea of how to get unstuck.


These are issues sooo many are facing today.


Sometimes clients over the years have even brought their children in but said to me, "There's no time for me to do my work."


Or, "There's too much there, I would just rather leave it inside and let them get their healing."


And yet, do not doubt for a moment that the work we do not do for ourselves indeed comes out sideways with those we serve.


This podcast, along with today’s blog, offers you hope and healing along with refreshment as we gently remind you of simple and effective ways to deal with the trauma you carry.


We're joined on the show by trauma-informed E + M Certified Coach Jessica Vansgnes, who, along with her husband Travis Vangsnes, opens her heart and shares scientifically validated tool right on the air with us.


Jessica has not only learned trauma care through her experiences with the foster and adoptive community over the last decade, but she also has special training and understanding of the body and the nervous system's ways of protecting itself when we experience traumas of any kind.


In fact, she and her husband are launching a brand new peaceful East TN mountain retreat center for those couples who need a safe place to heal also, which you can learn about here.


 This episode is not only refreshing but allows you to take specific gentle steps for healing.

But first, I wanted to elaborate on some polyvagal nervous system training for you here so your beautiful fire or glow out there can be more and more regulated. Though we’re never perfect, approaching our best balance and rhythms with grace is key and I loved learning about this from Michal Shahan, LMFT in his special 2 part course on the nervous system in marriage.

First, let’s break down what you really need to know to get that glow on healthily as you either read here, listen to Jessica on this week’s show, or both!

What is our body’s nervous system doing when we’re dealing with trauma or threats of any kind? Amongst many complex and overlapping systems in the body, when we experience mini or big traumas, remember it is our nervous system that keeps us alive. It slams on a “break” or takes our theoretical (or real) hand off a hot stove when our body predicts we are in an emergency.

Our nervous system can and does help with relationship safety and keeps us managing resources. It is a largely unconscious process of neuroception, which can be defined as perception below awareness.

And since the perception of our bodies is always the truth to some degree, as our bodies often use these flight or flight mechanisms unconsciously, you must understand that neuroception is always happening.

In a matter of milliseconds, it is dumping a little cortisol or dopamine here or there as needed in extremely complex processes.

How does this influence marriage? You as a couple may struggle sometimes as you bring two truths that are both true to you, since each of your bodies perceives threat or trauma differently and thus pivots differently or even conflict.

Sometimes in marriage or life we shut down into dorsal state.

There’s also potentially sympathetic nervous system behaviors that include a fight or flight activity.

We may even combine states and freeze depressed, hopeless, lost, and freeze.

Since all of these can be healthy or unhealthy to use at times (great if you’re running from a bear, not so great if you’re running from conflict), what we want to use most is our “smartest” nerve center - the top of the ladder so to speak - a space where we can regulate our breath and act with care, not just instinct so we can have the closeness and conversations we need to have.

This is the foundation of all couple’s work. Here we are loving, safe, and socially attuned.

Otherwise, we remain stuck in old wounds and narratives that teach us only to survive and not to thrive.

To reiterate: Sympathetic states bring us fear - we think there is no safe place. No one is safe.

Dorsal also hurts us. We remain alone and safe and small. We say, “no one can find me here.”

But what we want is to notice when this is happening and regulate our state in life and marriage.

Here are some ways to regulate you to get back to balance:

Movement body types, esp dance

Music - mid-range tones can be played to let your body feel safe

Stretching so you are agile and strong and yet safe

Find particular tones to you - sample and try whatever makes you feel most safe, such as ocean waves or meditation apps

Animals - horses are prey only and they only respond when you’re safe. They are never predators, only prey.

Soothe and regulate through safe touch

Try humming/chanting in the back of the throat to access the vagal nerve

How does the Enneagram factor in with all of this?

You begin to believe the positive narratives of your growth number when you’re in the safe and social ventral nerve, or more simply put, the regulated state. Listen to our deep dive pods on the arrow work for the types or check with us anytime if you’re not sure of your arrow work!

When you allow regulation in, you will:

Befriend and attend to your spouse and family better

Shape responses instead of flying off the handle

Become a student of your spouse and their needs

See what lands versus insisting on your way being the only way

Bring patterns that work to regulate you both/all

I hope you will keep at this very good and worthy work as you stoke those healthy fires together with us! And don’t forget Jessica’s pod for more tips this week!