How can you share what you NEED to share?

It’s one thing to be in a disagreement, but quite another, and loads more dysregulating, to have deep conflict wounds together.

This is why I’m telling you that Dr. Tracy D on the pod this week with us, was a gift!

We know life is a brief vapor, yet we also each need our needs to be met.

How can we do both?

How can you bring your voice, your fire, to the table?

Because of course, you need this!

You have earned the right to speak as a human and we are ALL about that heart at E + M.

And, I truly believe, and have lived it myself, that if you’re not authentic and loving, you won’t get through your biggest hurdles!

In fact, I had to tell Wes this this very week when I was not equipped to handle a situation he wanted me to handle.

However, I surrounded him with love and care so he felt loved, even if I could not do exactly what he wanted. And then I loved him even harder in all the ways I know he needs and wants that I could give, and I also got self-care.

As you learn mutual respect and love, use your voice as needed to set the tone for what each of you truly needs, even if you have to negotiate at times.

This is active love. Not perfection in the robotic sense of the word, but I think it’s the highest ideal in marriage, really - loving your spouse and sacrificing where it is wise but also loving you!

What else is active love?

• Active love still uses the love language your partner needs

• Active love still gets self-care so you don’t expect your partner to carry the load

• Active love uses their gifts to contribute to family and community wellness

• Active love listens and is far more positive than negative

And, perhaps most relevant here, active love is able to stop and depersonalize conflict, remembering your spouse is trying to find self-soothing just like you, so when they make a request, it’s more about them than you.

Your spouse is trying to give you hints about what they love and need in the world to feel safe.

So this inevitable Thanksgiving week, when your spouse asks you for a favor, or reminds you of something they love - do this one thing.

PAUSE.

Then reflect. How are they dysregulated right now? You normally think about yourself here, likely, as do most humans. But to truly think of them…

This is active love. And as much as r & r is important, there’s no other love I want to give to you as we bring oxygen as kindling to the fires of our love together!

Find more ways to connect with your spouse in our 5 week relationship course or in our book, “Enneagram in Marriage.”