How To Approach Conflict Well

“We don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note. Only notes that are different can harmonize. The same is true with people. - Steve Goodier

I love today's quote. This is because one thing that's true about life and conflict is that we truly can't all harmonize unless we're different!

And so as we approach conflict, I want to remind you that it's OK to be different. It's more than OK, it's a beautiful gift you bring to one another. A good goal would be to learn from one another's styles of conflict in good ways, and to start rejecting the unhealthy conflict aspects we see in ourselves and each other also - not rejecting each other - just calling one another to a higher plain.

It's also helpful to start out talking about conflict with deep breaths. This activates the vagus nerve in your body and reminds your neurons there is no emergency, just an important conversation happening.

This helps SO much if either of you, upon trying to talk out a conflict, gets overwhelmed and starts to do the whole flight, flight, or flee thing we humans are programmed to do when our systems are under threat.

But first, I want you to take it slow and easy. I also want to remind you, as you really get into it, that a spiritual and self care as well as romantic life helps here too.

You can learn from one another's Enneagram types in terms of how conflicts get talked about (or avoided) using Harmonic groups. Learn more about this with our deep dive guides!

Let me give you a couple of tips as you work on not only balance but growth together:

- Take an "I wonder if I do this" format of curiosity versus an "I told you you do this" style really helps.

- Being complimentary about what you see as healthy in your partner's conflict style helps.

- Doing something fun before or after helps.

- Remembering that "marriage masters" try not to pick out flaws but find successes helps.

- Tackling one small issue at a time helps.

- Crying but not excessively, is OK if needed. Try to stay with the conversation.

- Taking a break, but just a short one is also a great idea.

- Telling your partner that you're sorry you get caught up in old trauma patterns and unhealthy styles? Yes indeed! This one is a win because as you're basically pointing out unhealthy patterns, instead of your spouse feeling defensive, you're modeling authenticity, vulnerability, and safety because you know issues take a lifetime to work out. You know some of us avoid them like the plague, too, but that we have deep-seated reasons for doing what we do.

With these tactics, there is no hate, no contempt (you will find these in Gottman's list of no-no's), but there is patience, curiosity, a slowing down, a respect for others, and a vulnerability that emerges when you're taking small steps toward conflict resolution.

So take a deep breath and remember to go slowly as you approach conflict with awareness, peace, and grace!

Find more ways to connect with your spouse in our 5 week relationship course or in our book, “Enneagram in Marriage.”