How to Rise up in your Feeling, Thinking, and Doing Centers
Sometimes in marriage, you wonder if it’s worth it to access a part of you that feels uncomfortable to use.
When we looked deeply at Enneagram stances with Susan Stabile on the podcast yesterday for instance, we came to this discovery ourselves as well. We had to look squarely at the fact that one of our intelligence centers – feeling, thinking, or doing - is off-balance.
It’s not just off-balance, but it’s immature.
Whether you have the issue of a compliant or dependent type and you struggle with thinking, or perhaps you have the issue of withdrawing type and you struggle with doing. Maybe like me, you’re a thinking type and you struggle with feelings the most.
As we discussed above, sometimes it’s really not just that we forget the center, it’s that we misuse it. In my observation, spouses can not only forget this stance, but also get very stuck on the stance and not know how to control it once they do use it and their partner wonder what in the world is going on.
In that spirit, remind your spouse of what you’re doing - yes, invite them in but really just let them see you insightfully struggling and growing as you let them see you trying. That is so attractive, if you’re both humble and kind but also strong and increasing confidence as you get your bearings! (And if they’re doing it too, don’t forget to encourage them as well!)
Here are some challenges you can expect:
Doing-inhibited spouses may even go into overdrive as they compensate and not take on a healthy speed.
Those who struggle with feelings may not know how to get away from them once they access them…
And dependent types can have real anxiety when they take their thinking on themselves versus giving others access to full leadership here.
Whatever your struggle today, know that it’s normal if you struggle with adjusting the thermostat as you get used to this space - and it may take lots of time to really fine-tune….
But don’t give up and reach out for support from a coach or a friend if you need to!
Tweak! The word “tweaking” (except if you’re Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail) may not have the best onomatopoeia so you can also use the word “refine” if you’re like me and words matter a lot, lol!
This week, work on just that, refining your stances!
Spend time in your doing, feeling, and thinking. Yes, all of them, as I don't want you to lose one of the others even as you plan this repressed area.
Your other two areas are what help you to to be stable already, we just want to add another leg to your metaphorically wobbly footstool.
And just like when you build a fire you need fuel, tinder, and oxygen, so here you need thinking, feeling, and doing. Learn more about these centers in “The Enneagram and Marriage” book right here!
I'll share a few tips for you as to how to make this happen. Choose one from each of these centers and add these experiences into your week with intention!
Increased Healthy Thinking - journaling, planning on a calendar, sorting out a pro and con list, verbally processing an issue out alone or with a mentor.
Increased Healthy Feeling - Spending time with music listening to a song that is meaningful to you and then writing down feelings about it, allowing yourself to cry, stopping in solitude to notice the physical sensations of your body
Increased Healthy Doing - Getting active, tackling a prioritized list, taking someone out for a date or special event, taking a bath or doing another form of bodywork.
Consider setting a time limit and if it’s scary or hard to leave it, work with a coach or use our refresh prayer cycle to help you emerge from the experience with a bit of lament, gratitude, planning your day, and then action!! (feeling-thinking-doing!)
