How to Resolve Conflict in Marriage
How do you resolve conflict in marriage?
Problem-solving together takes a few shapes with all of our Enneagram types, but in essence, it’s simple.
You become a better listener.
I also want to emphasize something else, something that may hit you on a different level. This is that the filters through which we hear our spouse are extremely important to the healthy communication in our marriage relationships.
In other words, it isn’t usually so much what your spouse says that people have problems with but what filter one hears their spouse through that matters.
For instance, when you ask your spouse whether they’ve cleared the dishwasher or taken the trash out, your question and their response get unconsciously taken through a few different basic filters.
One filter is the exhausted filter. This filter obviously means that you're really tired and you hope they've done the chore(s) or you. may. just. fall. apart. This occurs when you're in the season of having babies, little kids, are sick, and/or have a huge job commitment.
Another is the complaining and perfectionism filter. If this is your main filter, you feel like you do all the work and you obsess about this to yourself and to them, either verbally or passive-aggressively.
Another is the spoiled filter. That one says, "My momma told me I am a princess!" Or, "I am king of this castle! I don’t do any work, I get served." I hope this isn't you, it's time to be adults and to realize being an adult requires the awareness that it's hard work for all of us!
One more important filter to consider is your family of origin filter. It tells you to interpret things the same way a long line of people in your family system have looked at things for better or for worse. It may say to you, “Mom did all the dishes and trash. That's women’s work.” It may say, “Trash is men’s work, I can’t believe he’s asking me to do something so gross!” It may say even, “Men/women always leave, why are you even asking him/her to do chores at all?”
Sometimes, before your spouse even has a chance to respond, you've already put them through the tired, family of origin filter that says something negative about them. On the special Wednesday video pod for the Collective members I fine-tune this even more.
But in truth, if we want healthy communication in our families and marriages, the filter we need to see through is the one that does not stand in judgment about our spouse all the time. And more importantly, don't just allow the negative thoughts to have control. It's to our benefit and blessing when we give ourselves over to considering our spouse simply has different opinions than us and that they aren’t a villian.
In essence, if we see our spouse through this gracious lens, the question about the dishes and trash is rarely even asked, quite frankly, unless it’s for the reason of saying thank you! We are leaning in, breathing, pausing, and remembering all the good our spouse is doing today and every day amidst their failures (and ours).
It doesn't mean we don’t need our spouse at all or that we don't invite their teamwork, nor does it mean we put aside all longings for a love language or style. It simply means this: We hear them, we love them, and we accept the fact that they’re not perfect now nor will they ever be so. We try to think the very best of them.
Many times, if not most, a spouse who is treated with dignity and respect finds a way to bless you back or to bless your precious children. A supported spouse will thrive more at work too which also blesses you. And if you’re practicing this kind of love, you’re certainly drawing them in and inviting them to that flourishing end with the fragrance of life.
But what else can we do to make sure our marriage communication is healthy?
Besides making sure we don’t divert into past issues, here are some more valuable tips. Consider reading this list aloud together before bed or during another peaceful moment.
Avoid using black/white, hero/villain, always/never thinking. You know you didn't marry the devil. You married another person who loves your family in their own way and with their own brokenness.
Take a break if the conversation’s getting too heated but say when you’re returning and be kind about it.
Use writing to communicate back and forth if you need to, to get through the conflict.
Try showing your spouse their love language or love style once every day.
Try finding ways to get your self-care so you’re not overly dependent.
Nurture your gifts so you have other interests besides zeroing in on your spouse only.
Find ways to connect that interest you both and stop talking constantly about the things that don't.
Set aside time to just listen to them each day, even just giving a few minutes of undivided attention is worth something in this crazy busy world.
Take time to just have fun together on a weekly basis. Schedule it in! It’s an investment in your marriage :)
Take at least an hour a week to just sort through bills, make plans, and dream bigger and longer-term together. Combine your gifts in a meaningful way to bless the world. Use our extremely detailed 200+ page Enneagram + Marriage Planner for weekly structure!
Find some recreation time together. Take a walk, a bike ride, and keep the conversation light, and easy during these times! Parallel processing is a great thing!
Also, listen to our podcast on forgiveness practices you can try!
