Routes to Intimacy

Does your spouse know that you desire them?

I know we’ve talked about what you love about them if you did the recent 3-2-1 Intimacy building exercise…

Here’s a reminder to do this if you haven’t…

Tell them:

3 things you love about their body
2 thing you like to hear from their thoughts about you as foreplay 
1 thing that makes you feel attuned in your hearts

But do you ever tell them that you desire them sexually? Not do you ever force yourself upon them or get mad at them for not seeking you…

No I’m talking about clearly and confidentially owning your own sexual interest and bringing it to them.

This conversation may stem from an actual sensation inside of you where you feel your hormones sending you into a sexual mode quite naturally


- Or -


It may come from an emotional or thought desire that reminds you of how much you just love being close in those ways.

Either way, I want to endorse the idea of you bringing this desire to your spouse.

This week, be a bit of a relationship scientist and see what works for the two of you.

This way you can take a step backwards of one mode you try that doesn’t work and a step forward if another mode definitely did.

Let me give you an example. 

Perhaps you wear a special cologne or perfume and you spray breath mist and add a touch of some glowy makeup or that you just finish a workout that gives you some great color. You approach your spouse and say how much you desire them. However, they don’t seem interested. 

Don’t rush to run away or accuse. Take a deep breath. Remember you’re beloved. Try another pivot.

Later that day or week, something else may likely work. 

Don’t give up. Try another route to intimacy. For example, perhaps you take the kids to the park or clean an area of the home they are stressed about and normally do themselves.

If that or other pivots don't work, sit down and just ask them what the block is. If you need more support, consider getting a coach or therapist.

Depending on what they say, take the most logical path, caring, and positive path and try to remove it as a team. Take a deep breath as needed, too! This pivoting around to find one another in the darkness and hard moments of life can feel scary and painful…

But trust me, finding your love again and again is worth it. 

Show love first and you will find it indeed return to you, sometimes in mysterious  ways.

Make sure when you share, you let them know you desire them and that you're not in need for them to provide your entire self esteem.

This means you get self care each day yourself so you can fill your own cup before you pour out to others!

Find more ways to connect with your spouse in our 5 week relationship course or in our book, “Enneagram in Marriage.”