Soothing Emotional Flooding
When we connect with our families, sometimes all is well and we are just singing the carols of life and love. But at other times, both in marriage and the rest of relationships, I’m sure you’re aware that sometimes humans get flooded.
By definition, “flooded” is the term for a nervous system that's kicked into overdrive. Gottman defines emotional flooding in relationships as “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving conversation.
I want you to particularly notice how and when you are flooded in your life or relationships.
Next, I want you to make one simple acknowledgment, and that will have to do with the sensation of sound. Not just music but all sound, since one could argue that all sound, is in a sense, musical - each voice has its own rhythm and cadence, some voices are grating and others melodic.
As you notice, I want you to find a way to bring some sort of sound self-soothing before your heart rate (or just as) starts to go up, just as you start heading into fight or flight, and just before you make the decision to turn to a negative coping mechanism…
Being the holiday season, it may be just before the fifth extra sweet goes into your mouth, before the exhausted snap at your spouse or family member, before the hurried task is done out of annoyance…
Yes, stop for a moment and ask how is sound affecting the moments of stress? Is it too loud, too soft? You are worth the fine-tuning to get it right as music truly matters to our neuroception.
Neuroception, as a reminder, is the process by which our brain circuits determine whether inputs are safe or dangerous.
Here’s how this affected my life recently. Last night I was working hard and trying to get a healthy and yummy dinner together for my husband and I. It was a mini date we share every Monday night.
Admittedly, it was a tired moment.
I didn’t want to go out to eat with crowds and I knew he would not want to cook. Instead of leaning into my annoyance and frustration and fatigue from the day and just giving up, I realized I needed beautiful music to accompany my cooking. I lit a candle, dimmed the harsh lights for another neuroception adjustment, and cleaned my cooking area.
It was so peaceful and a beautiful moment by myself to prepare myself for the final leg of the long day. I adjusted the volume and played a song I love to listen to spiritually.
When he came home, he was very weary as he usually is, from his long medical days of evaluating a hundred or more charts for disease and seeing many patients in between. I put on soft, romantic tunes and his entire countenance changed - he felt such peace. Music had helped us both so much.
I don’t think music heals ALL wounds, but I do believe sound, or sometimes if needed, the absence of it, can truly bless a family, a couple, and you, you as a person and this week, I want you to hold on to that with me as you make fine-tuning adjustments to your life.
As you do this, don’t just use music and sound for your marriage, choose music to rev you up, to soften you, and to inspire you.
I also enjoy waking up on harder days to inspirational and spiritual music just me and my journal.
One song lately that has been really blessing me is “Be Still” by Olivia George, as the lyrics call us to sit with God before we run and run. My daughters will be dancing to this song for their final and only sisters dance perhaps of their career and of high school and exhibiting the ancient Mary and Martha and the busyness of life to this song in Spring.
My 9 will be portraying Martha and she enjoys dancing to this music also as the song invites her into not being too busy to truly enjoy her spiritual time and my 4 does a one-woman theater showcase to exhibit Martha in other moments. Women young and old, and men too, feel this threat of busyness upon us and need regular reminders of balance.
We can feel so lost, tired, exhausted, and forgotten in our weeks without the moments of inspiration that music can deliver to us.
Here are some options today for how you can specifically grow here, even if you already love music.
Notice when you’re overwhelmed and see what sound can specifically do to help as mentioned above. Shift. Even small shifts are a win in my book!
Go back to old favorite songs and listen to one that got you through a hard season.
Find at least one new song to add to your collection for self-care.
Choose an inspiring song to get you moving.
Choose a sad song to let feelings in. Bring a journal and end in praise when you’re done lamenting.
Let silence in as needed.
Choose a romantic playlist or borrow one of our new ones my Melody made for us on E + M this week
Let’s invite these healthy rhythms in together. Find more ways to connect with your spouse in our 5 week relationship course or in book, “Enneagram in Marriage.”
