Survival Instincts in Marriage

Every part of you wants to feel safe and survive. Although the honeymoon season of a marriage may end, or at least ebb and flow in later years, one key ingredient of your life…

Namely, survival needs…

Never, ever goes away. And it's good, too. You've learned not to touch a hot stove, and when you get to your mailbox, you've learned to wait for whizzing cars driving by who may be a on a cell phone. (Yes, now even getting the mail is an adventure here in SoFl and probably where you live also!)

But the truth is, often we not only USE our favorite ways of coping. We OVERUSE them to feel extra safe.

"I won't talk about emotional depths. We'll shove it under the rug and keep moving and smiling."

“I won't attend that party. Last time someone hurt me."

"I won't have sex again with him. He doesn't deserve it."

These are constant phrases that - well-meaning as they may be in terms of self-protection - actually hurt and destroy families and marriages in the long run.

These instincts are hard to manage too, particularly because they're fast and often below consciousness to the unexamined mind, and also hard because they often contain a grain of truth…

Yet cutting off emotional work or a social life or a sexual life often just don't work.

You may be fooled into thinking they would be OK because positivity is great for the brain, but not when it leaves out what is important and necessary.

There's even more to talk about on this topic - much more - and I'd love to walk you through what to do when instincts take over in this shadowy, liminal week between Christmas and New Year's.

Yes, you get to join us in one of our special subscriber coaching episodes where we deep dive into all 9 zones of instincts here.

This way you can truly allow for a deeper intentionality and healing in your life and relationships with me this week.

Listen here as we journey together to finding the most important ways to survive and THRIVE together!

Find more ways to connect with your spouse in our 5 week relationship course or in our book, “Enneagram in Marriage.”