Finding Forgiveness in Marriage and Relationships
"When anger rises, think of the consequences." - Confucious
I get it when my clients and listeners struggle with forgiveness - I too have to really do my forgiveness work. And often it really is an intentional process to address unforgiveness in our lives, isn't it?
But what do you do when forgiveness just won't come?
In addition to Lysa TerKeurst's recent study on forgiveness and the longtime forgiveness work of Lewis Smedes, on the E + M podcast we talk about its importance in our lives as we analyze types though the lens of various forgiveness practices, needs, and struggles.
I don't know if forgiveness is hard or easy for you. Quite honestly I have clients who vary here. At different moments of my life forgiveness has also seemed very hard - kinda like the Prodigal Son's brother who can't believe someone who has been so difficult gets grace also.
This is short-sighted, since of course, we all have the Prodigal Son in us if we consider that we too have caused hurt in the lives of others. This is where I have invited a releasing prayer of leaving judgement to God in the process. It's sometimes just too big for me to plan and to figure out even as an thinking type who tries troubleshooting every solution possible on my own first! (Not to add cringe-factor, but this is where I need not a solution, but a "soul"-ution :)
That's because often we humans can and do take a very righteous position sometimes in marriage, in life, and in work situations. We are indignant and usually allow the availability bias (also scientifically called the fundamental attribution error) to sneak in - I deserve grace, but they don't.
If you're stuck in this space in any way, please take a listen to this important episode.
In it, E+ M Certified Coach Lisa Carter talks about how very bitter unforgiveness is in our lives as we withhold a position of love in the lives of our families and communities. It's a root that chokes out growth in our own lives too, and naturally it's not pretty - have you ever seen a festering wound?
No, infection is never a good thing as you surely know by now as an adult. Not only does it hurt you and keep you in the pain even longer, but when you live from this bitter place, it also stretches out its shadowy reach to hurt those whom you care about.
Like love languages or styles, various personalities have preferences too. Some like a body connection like a hug, makeup sex, or sincere touch, some like to be told it won't happen again and why, and some just need to know moving forward that you both understand it's over. Yes, you guessed it, various types have different styles.
So when we're hurt, let's figure out what we can and need to do to address it quickly, even if we need some boundaries.
And whatever our style, let's not stonewall or withdraw in our lament for long, leaving spouses, adult children, friends, in-laws and others in this zone of our judgement. Let's remember all the good we can do when we choose forgiveness as a healing practice, not only for them, but for us also.
Know that I will be doing the same as we grow together in this hopeful week ahead!
