When Your Spouse or Partner Won’t Use the Enneagram
“What are you even talking about?”
“Will you stop telling me what number I am? I’m not a number!”
“Great, one more way for you to put me down.”
Although the title of this blog may make someone say, “That’s so cringe. It’s not that big of a deal just because someone’s spouse doesn't want to learn the Enneagram,” I want to alert you that yes, it is kinda a big deal.
John Gottman, the number one marriage researcher worldwide, talks about forming love “maps” of sorts and being deeply familiar with one another’s worlds for a marriage to work. This means this Enneagram mismatch of sorts is an important conversation if it’s part of one of you.
Especially considering that Enneagram work can kinda take over as one or both of the spouses takes the rabbit hole into learning about it.
In order to stay healthy together as one of you learns the Enneagram, and the other resists, for whatever reason, here are some ESSENTIAL tips for you and your relationship! 💕
Do self growth with your own Enneagram journey and let them see your process. Let them see the grace you have for yourself and others (including them) start to take over as you stop using the fundamental attribution error and remember growth is a lifetime process for both of you whether you have Enneagram insight or not.
Listen to E + M podcasts where I constantly remind you of how to grow with grace since spouses carry one another at different times and seasons, sometimes in unexpected or shocking ways through many ups and downs across a lifespan. I say this having walked this out and talked about it with hundreds and researched it with thousands of couples. Seeing it in my own life and my parents' marriage also, I’ve come to realize that patience is of essence. Marriage is long and we carry one another across the finish line in different ways and seasons.
Don’t try to imagine yourself with people of other types much. Let it be a fleeting thought as you remember each type has some truly unhealthy and even toxic qualities when they’re not healthy. See my Deep Dives and Deep Dive Podcast Episodes on these if you want to find each spouse in levels of relational health and dysfunction as well as get lots of marriage and communication tips.
Welcome your spouse every few months to learn a small bit with you after and only after you’ve voiced that they are right about some things. Never criticize, but do shape healthy behaviors you want to see in your spouse. For example, saying, “I don’t know if you really are a type 3 but you sure show up gloriously like a 3 when we do projects together,” versus “You’re such a 5 with the way you hoard resources.” If they resist even positive labels attempted on occasion out of love (do not use it to manipulate), see the next tip.
Use Enneagram learning in your own hypothesis about them gently but with tentativeness and curiosity in your thought life. If I think my spouse is likely a 6, I will learn all I can about them in the type 6 realm. But I will not push it or proselytize, just gently try to grow with these traits and concerns as my hypothesis. People are more than numbers.
Try not to use Ennea-language too much as you talk about people on social media or TV that you think are certain types when you’re talking about life with your spouse. Don’t bring Enneagram into every conversation or day with them. Chat with us on Instagram or our Facebook group if you want to do that. Talk about other ways to grow your marriage also - marriage research is rich and has been studied by many researchers over the last half a century (and before through literature and faith resources) so study other theories also, including Gottman’s prolific longitudinal work. Create space for intimacy and date nights. Use the freebies we have on a variety of topics outside of Enneagram also so your spouse doesn’t think you’re Enne-obsessed to the exclusion of other healthy marriage practices.
Lastly, if you want more Enneagram info and guidance for your own work and theirs also if they do decide to lean in, check out our deep dives on each type in marriage and pairing guides on each type. I also have a great Enneagram test I recommend as well as a guide for lightly finding your types right here at E + M and we have coaches on our team as well if you’d like to reach out!
Love living intentionally with you,
Christa
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